12 Oct

Been thinking a lot about loss lately.

It occurred to me that what precedes loss is the action of losing. Losing life. Losing love. Losing hope. Losing vision - the ability to see forward. Whether it is sudden or a slow motion distruction, it is seemingly unstoppable kind of loss I have been fixated on. There is no choice - it is lost. 

Losing. Lost. Loss. Loser. 

Nothing that can prevent a heavy spirit. Nothing can remove the sting of realizing that nothing is left to save.

"Go through it to get through it." That is the motto I have told myself as I fumble and grapple with emotional waves that feel like more than me. I tell myself everything will be fine as the plan I had crumbles. The scaffolding of my hope no longer holding weight. Searching for pieces of the puzzle that will never be found. 

Dealing with loss is the art of saying goodbye to what was, to what could have been, and letting go. It is one skill that I have not mastered. I need help to stop the torture of trying to solve the unsolvable. No calculation will ever explain the intensity of losing and the longing that results.

Only time and perspective can give me back what I am missing - the space to hope and dream of a life that feels bigger than today.

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