I'm not OK.

I wrote this on November 3rd, 2021. At the time I was not in a place to be publicly vulnerable. Now, when I am feeling much more balanced, I am ready to be open.

I believe, whole-heartedly, that my recoveries from bouts with depression have been because I have always had a few trusted people I can be open with - my sister, specifically, has always been my ride-or-die rock. We are there for each other no matter what.

I hope that reading this helps you feel less alone if/when you experiencing dark moments in life. 

I'm not OK. I haven't been for a couple months now. I am an expert at putting on a pretty face and pretending. I have agonized over posting this and exposing the truth. 

An hour before I 'put on this face', I was crying alone on my couch. 'Fake it till you make it' has nearly killed me in the past so this is me being honest about how vulnerable I am right now.

I have triggers that can cause me to struggle with depression for months.

When I struggle, I go quiet. I stop reaching out. I stop going out. I stop working out. I am too tired. I am too vulnerable. Too emotionally raw.

When I struggle, I protect myself. I am unresponsive to anyone who I don't trust completely to understand. I hide from those who need me and are unable to give back meaningfully. I push away people who give unsolicited advice. 

I also feel like I have to protect people I care about from the intensity of the sadness I feel - from seeing my tears. I am afraid of being a burden.

I am not OK but I will be. In the meantime most people won't see much of me. I won't share the way I do when my cup is full. 

Don't take it personally, I am trying to heal.